Travel Tip #2: Security

Ok, so here's the deal.  If you are a guy, wear the following to get thru security fast and without incident:

1) Slip on shoes (wear flip flops at your own risk; it will make your feet cold if you get exit row)
2) No belt, not hats, or anything else that is not essential
3) Long comfortable pants (I like jeans)
4) NO jewelry of any kind - watches, rings, etc.
5) Wear a basic solid color dark T-shirt with hoodie and/or flannel shirt (dark colors hide spills and hoodies make for good pillow)
6) place wallet, sunglasses, and phone in back pack
7) bring a backpack - bring headphones and an iPod are helpful for in-flight isolation
8) roller bag - if traveling less than 3 days, back pack can be put in roller after security
9) Don't shave for a day or two prior.  People are scared of those who look a little unshaven and will leave you alone.  Don't get too crazy with chin follicles though Akbar-Abdullah, or you will provoke the interest of the TSA

Now you should be set.  When you get to the airport, here's your plan:  Get  there an hour before your flight and check in. Then..

1) Getting there early pays off as you will get thru security quicker
2) When you get inline, make sure you have your ID and ticket ready to go.
3) Then...Get your shit out prior to getting to the belt.
4) Shoes off by the time you get to the clinical stainless steel table
5) Two trays are all that are necessary a) tray 1 - lap top, b) tray 2 - shoes, hoodie, and toiletry bag (1 quart zip lock please!)
6) keep your wheelie on the ground until you get to the scanner
7) be pleasant to the TSA - they are the airport Gestapo and can make your life hell
8) If you have the option of multiple lines, never get behind the following
     a) old people
     b) chicks with jewelry (particularly gold and turquoise)
     c) families
     d) any one who is wearing a suit
9) always get behind the following
      a) young people who are dressed like you
      b) angry people (you will serve as a welcome alkalai to the acidic nature of the angry passenger in front of you to the TSA agents, thus expediting your day )
      c) the visibility intoxicated (because its entertaining)
      d) Hari Krishna (same reason as c above)
10) Once through, grab your shit on the other side and MOVE AWAY FROM THE BELT.  Nothing's more annoying than a bunch of people putting on their shoes, watches, etc. and jamming up the line behind.   Go find a seat and regroup.

 Following these simple instruction will make your life much easier...

Bonus Points

1) If you have some time the personal pat down is much preferrable to the Rapidscan..
2) For added credit, pretend to convulse slightly when they put you through Rapidscan, this will alarm the folks behind you which will provide a degree of entertainment value
3) Chat up the TSA folks about what they are pissed about today; they love to talk
4) Start timing yourself through security. My personnel best is 2:21.  Beat that!

Travel Tip #1: Always bring a towel

Ok, so I don't carry a towel when I travel, but I do think it is very good advice.  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was on the mark on this count.  Towels are very versatile.  A towel can be used as a pillow, to sop up an embarrassing spilled plastic glass of Pinot Noir, or to add 20 pounds to your figure as part of your "fat guy" disguise as you quickly leave the bar without paying.  Airline out of blankets?  No problem, you have a towel.   In a pinch when traveling to cold climates, where of course you have forgotten your coat, it makes for an excellent scarf.  Need to taunt TSA?  Well, you have a turbin!  One of the reasons I don't carry a towel is the ubiquity of this useful tool at the hotel at your destination.  Take one, they won't notice.  You're actually helping the environment by not allowing that property to wash that thing two or  three times a week  Think of them as god's gift to travelers...a kind of kleenex for the weary traveler. I am sure you can think of many more uses than I, but figured the Guide would be a good way to start off this blog.